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“Having sex makes me feel guilty, ashamed, or foul.”
“I’m too mature to invest time in something frivolous like sex.”
“I can’t experience orgasms so sex isn’t any fun.”
Sound like things you might say? If so, read on for incisive insights into your sex life.
Like streets littered with confetti after a gaudy parade, Western society is strewn with contradictions. Nowhere, perhaps, do these contradictions become more apparent than when the discussion turns to female sexuality. Current Western culture, troubling as it is, chastises women for being “too sexual” as well as for not being sexual enough.
What happens as a result? Well, because of these contradictions in societal standards, some women wind up believing in unfortunate myths about their sexuality. Many women, sadly, don’t see sexual pleasure in a positive, ebullient light. And instead of viewing fulfilling sex – and all of its juicy pleasure – as something they deserve, some women feel guilty about pursuing the “Big O,” as I discovered while discussing the sex survey on a UK morning show.
Results of the survey of over 2000 women found that 3% felt guilty for having an orgasm.
There’s a specific personality archetype in particular that believes in various myths about female sexuality: The Ice Queen.
Who is the Ice Queen?
Ice Queen: you are the woman who believes yourself to be “too old” or “too mature” to have exciting, rock-your-world sexual experiences.
She is often seen by others as cold, frigid and stale.
Ice Queens believe that wild, passionate – even a little raunchy – sex is for hormone-loaded teens and horny, oversexed college kids. “But now,” the Ice Queen thinks to herself, “It’s time for me to get serious about life and my goals, instead of frivolously chasing after sexual pleasure.”
Does that sound a little bit like the way you think about sex? If so, I urge you to read on and hear me out on this – and learn why you, the beautiful, gleaming Ice Queen, completely deserve a rewarding, orgasmic sex life.
As it turns out, there are several different reasons why Ice Queens approach sex with this – well – icy outlook.
For starters, if you’re an “Ice Queen,” you may have had a sex partner who really wasn’t that fiery of a lover in bed. Sure, he might have been astonishingly good-looking (with rippling abs – or whatever rocks your boat in the looks department) – but when it came time for foreplay and sex, your boat wasn’t rocked at all. In fact, to stretch this nautical metaphor further, your boat would just float in an incredibly boring, lethargic lake.
Perhaps it’s because he viewed sex as just a way to get himself off – without considering that you, too, absolutely require sexual ecstasy. And, as a result, you began to increasingly approach sex with all the excitement of someone about to file a tax return.
There are other reasons, of course, for the emergence of the Ice Queen archetype – which discuss in depth in my book, The Orgasm Prescription for Women. These reasons range from past sexual trauma to feelings of guilt around sexual pleasure (instilled, perhaps, by overbearing parents or cultural norms). It may also be that your serious personality coupled with sagging hormone levels around menopause make you less than frisky. These reasons are complex and painful – but not insurmountable obstacles to a hotly salacious sex life.
After working as a sexual wellbeing therapist with numerous women around the world, I’ve discovered some common myths that recur in the Ice Queen’s imagination. Here, you’ll discover 3 of these myths – and why they’re the sort of myths you should let go of faster than you’d drop a hot potato.
By freeing herself of these myths, the Ice Queen opens herself up to a more passionate, more orgasmic, more complete sex life.
Myth #1: “There’s no point in having sex at my age.”
It’s never too late to enjoy an amazing sex life! The idea that after a certain age sex shouldn’t really be actively pursued is a major myth of our times. Of course, you might find it more difficult to get wet “down there,” but luckily there are a number of ways to lubricate your lady bits without too much trouble. For example, consider the power of DHEA. As explained in my recently-published book The Orgasm Prescription for Women:
“DHEA is a very helpful tool to anti-aging and boosting sexuality; some physicians, myself included, recommend that you get your pharmacy to compound vaginal DHEA suppositories for you to help with vaginal dryness and muscle elasticity. Many patients hail intra-vaginal DHEA as a veritable vaginal rejuvenation miracle—restoring the vaginal lubrication, muscle thickness and flexibility to the condition it was in during their twenties!”
In short, if you’re in your 40s, 50s, or beyond – then know this: you are absolutely, categorically not too mature or too “old” to enjoy sexual pleasure. That pleasure is something you deserve – so why stop having sex at your age?
If you’d like some more insights on melting your icy disposition and reclaiming your mojo after the kids have gone or after divorce, check out the conversation I had with Juanita Shay during the MidLife to NewLife Summit.
Myth #2: “The idea of sex just doesn’t turn me on anymore.”
The myth here is that you just can’t be sexually turned on – no matter what. Of course, there’s a lot that can contribute to this mindset, such as a loss of libido, pain during intercourse (because of vaginal dryness), and so on.
To begin addressing this “sexual hangup,” it’s a good idea to understand at what point int time sex no longer really appealed to you. That’ll help you pinpoint the cause behind that lack of interest in sex.
For example, if after thinking back you realize that your sex life is boring – so you’re just not into the idea of sex – consider mixing things up a bit. Throw in a little roleplay or indulge in some fantasies. Explore your sexuality – you’ll start to re-discover your sexual drive!
If you find that you’re not feeling any sexy vibes, nor having sexy thoughts and fantasies, it could be a hormonal thing. A visit to your gynecologist could help. We need testosterone and estrogen to keep our lady parts healthy, moist and ready for action. And since testosterone also plays into our innate sex drive, it may be worth having your level checked. Weight-bearing exercise, including brisk walks with uphill sections, can help boost your testosterone naturally.
See also my article about Low Sexual Desire or Too Stressed for Sex for tips on overcoming hormone or fatigue challenges
Myth #3: “Chasing sexual novelty is not worth my time.”
This is an idea that takes hold of many Ice Queens. The theme here is that you’re just too focused on really ‘important’ matters – your career or church or charitable organizations, for example – to pursue sexual novelty. This, in turn, might result in a boring sex life – so you just decide to avoid sex entirely.
But a healthy sexual life – no matter what your age is – is psychologically and physiologically beneficial. Which means it’s actually in your best interests to pursue an amazing sex life – no matter what area of your life you’re casting that beam of laser-focus.
Myth #4: “I’m a medical anomaly and I just have to put up with no orgasms.”
As I wrote in Stylist Magazine online, some women tolerate an orgasmless sex life – but there is no legitimate reason to do so. Painful intercourse can also stop the orgasmic flow in its tracks.
An underdiagnosed cause of vaginal pain is vaginismus, a condition in which the entrance to the vagina closes tightly when intercourse is attempted, thus preventing penetration. It is caused by an involuntary spasm of the sphincter muscles around the vagina and anus. Physical therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy are often used in these conditions. You can watch an insightful interview I did with Rosemarie Wedell-Wedellsborg, an expert in treating sexual challenges including vaginal pain due to medical conditions or following cancer treatment by visiting the Bonus section of www.OrgasmPrescption.com
Finally, if you’re not sure how to find the time for the pursuit of sexual novelty, just take baby steps. Begin by exploring your sexuality a bit more. For example, you could start out with the free mindfulness 21 Days of Bliss program. With short daily rituals, meditations & ‘sexploration activities’, you won’t give up much of your time at all – while opening up yourself to a titillating new world of your rejuvenated, luscious sexuality.
And if you find that your hormones or health status are also playing a part in your icy sexual disposition, you may want to try acupuncture to boost libido and improve vaginal lubrication. You’ll find great remedies from both Western and Chinese medicine along with mindfulness practices in The Orgasm Prescription for Women. You can listen to a sample of the audiobook here or download a sneak peek of the first chapter here.
Curious to see what other personality traits may be impacting your experience of pleasure and sexual release? To watch a video about all 7 of the personality types which predict sexual hangups or orgasmic difficulty, visit www.SensualVitality.tv
This article includes excerpts from The Orgasm Prescription for Women: 21-days to Heightened Pleasure, Deeper Intimacy and Orgasmic Bliss by Andrea Pennington, MD, C.Ac., printed with permission from the author and publisher.
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